VOID
by Kaede Yuki
Summary: You were the meaning of my life...Now that you're gone, there is no reason for my existence...(KazukiSoushi)one-shot


Soukyuu no Fafner; Dead Aggressor

**_Void _**

Kaede Yuki

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Soukyuu no Fafner, I don't own Soushi, I don't own Kazuki, I don't own Soushi. I don't own any of them. But I do own this fic.

* * *

- _Kazuki's POV_ - 

I stared long, I stared hard. I sat there for God knows how long I've been prostrated, rooted to that spot on the cold concrete floor while my brown eyes fell unblinking onto the piece of metal in between my fingers. It was as if I was looking into my own reflection on the metal for some sort of answer.

'Maybe God would take pity in this lost soul and guide him down the right path again', that was my train of thoughts before I could stop myself from snickering at my own comment. I think I'm actually that desperate to the point that I believe in God will help me out on this one. Man, if _he_ ever gets wind of this, I bet _he_ would raise a brow and ask skeptically, "You actually believe that there is a God?"

Smiling bitterly at the thought of _him_, "Yup, that would be so characteristic of _him_ to say such a thing in retort..." I voiced out to no one in particular. The smile remained plastered on my face for a while before it wavered and fell back to its flat horizontal position. Somehow, I couldn't keep forcing myself to smile when in whole, I felt like crying.

But I couldn't. I had shed endless tears in the past. Never in public, never before another. But in my solitary confinement, silent tears would trek their way down my burning cheeks. A single drop or even a whole flood, I would cry like there is no tomorrow only to wake up next morning with swollen red eyes. Dad would always mock me, saying that I was a big crybaby. And I would angrily retort back that I'm not. I would come up with lame excuses like dust caught in my eye when Maya asks. Though I could pretty much tell that she wasn't convinced, thankfully she didn't pursue asking. And then, life would be pretty much the same, - day in, day out. That is until some thing that reminds me of you catches my eye. Then the process repeats itself over and over again, till I've lost count of the nights I spent crying myself to sleep, - in hope that I would fall into a dreamless sleep. Because I know that when dreams engulfs the remaining time of my day, I would effortlessly conjure dreams with you in it. Whether it's bits of the past or figments of my imaginations, there you would be, - haunting me to no end.

My brown eyes that was once vibrantly burning with passion of a teenage Fafner pilot, - now holds nothing but _void_. Eyes that were once expressive, let it be shy, embarrassed, angry, sad or even joy, -are now devoid of emotions. It was truly the window to my soul because what is seen in my eyes is what I feel inside. _Empty_.

Empty without _him_.

My body right now is like an empty shell.

So, I wonder if I can still feel pain? It was a plain and simple thought, but lingered with aura of condemnation.

Pressing the sharp end of the blade against the delicate flesh around my wrist, I took a long drag of the blade across my wrist in an excruciatingly slow manner. I stared with fascination as crimson blood sprouted out of the opening like little bubbles along the line.

I could feel a tug on my lips, forming a silly smile like I was some insane freak as the blade toy around with the blood that was beginning to 'leak' from my wrist like an open faucet.

I didn't flinch when I felt the blade pricking my skin as I carved his name above the opening.

I didn't feel the pain that was meant to be there to remind me that what I was doing was wrong.

I didn't care that I was bleeding to death, that the blood pooling beneath me was going to be my demise.

I simply wasn't bothered.

Because of one simple reason: - _you weren't there_.

You were the reason I fought.

You were the reason I lived.

You were the reason I came back.

You were the reason I still believe in hope.

You were the reason to everything in my life.

And for each of these reasons, I continued marking my flesh as a reminder of the meaning of having you in my life.

To plainly put it, when you are not in my life, _there is no reason for my existence_.

Bullshit if you say that there will be people saddened by my death. And don't even try dragging my father into the picture. If I really meant that much to him to mournover my death, then he wouldn't have consented my role as Mark Sein's pilot.

Even a bigger bull if you say that Maya would never learn to love another if I dare die now. I know that she harbors feelings for me. But all I had for her was nothing more than friends and comrades. You'd probably say that I will learn to love her in due time, if I learn to forget and forgive the past.

But Soushi, I can't.

I can't forget the past because you are in the past. I can't forget it like it was some yesterday news because I have lived in it too long to run from its protective boundaries. It is in the past that I can still feel your presence, - your essence in my memory. I can still feel as though you are still alive and by my side. And I don't want to lose that. I've already lose you to the Festums. I don't want to lose what is left of you inside of my mind.

So, please ... don't make me.

* * *

"…zuki…Kazuki…" 

Someone was whispering my name; someone close, someone dear, someone whose voice I have not heard in a very long time. Though I have yet to see the person whose this voice belonged to, seeping deep beneath my skin where my soul lied I know that I recognized that velvety baritone anywhere despite disguise. I know the voice so well that my soul felt lulled by it, and I know now that I can die without regrets.

But why? Why Soushi? Why is it that when my eyes flutter open, all that I can see is the translucent form of you? Why is it that all I see is the ethereal you and not you in person?

_**Why**_?

I don't mind the ghostly you if I were dead too! But I'm not! Though I was empty inside, though I was close to dying, - I simply wasn't _**dead**_!

Tears were forming, threatening to shed. But I made no attempts to hide it. It's not that I wouldn't, it's because I couldn't. Emotions were simply too empowering, dominating the most miserable thing human calls life, - _my life_.

I clenched my eyes shut in vain attempt to cut off the excessive water supply. Just when I thought that there weren't any more tears left for me to cry on, tears come pouring out of no where.

I could feel Soushi's brows above his gorgeous smoky grey eyes furrowed at the sight of me crying. I could feel his heart render though I don't know why. Why would he feel the heartbreak of a one-sided love? After all, wasn't me who loved him and not the other way around?

His hand extended in my direction, reaching out to touch me, but I cringed before his ghostly hand could even come in contact with my skin. And he withdrew back with hurt written in his eyes.

"…Kazuki…I-…I'm sorry…" he whispered softly with tinge of remorse and regret.

"…hy…Why? Why, Soushi? _**Why**_?" I cried, screaming at his name.

But all I got in reply was silence. And it definitely irks the hell out of me!

"Why, Soushi? You promised, Soushi! You promised that even if you have to suffer, you would come back…" I know that I was being a selfish bastard but I've already gone past the verge of breaking down into estranged sobs. Words struggled to escape my lips but all were caught around my constricted throat. My chest burned with pain, - pain of remembrance… remembrance of the one I loved.

"You said that you would come back…come back to me…"

"…Kazuki…" there was pity in his voice as he called out my name warily, "…I'm sorry… I didn't mean to cause you this much of pain…"

"_**Sorry**_?" enraged, I shouted without holding back, "Is that all you can say? After all that you've put me through, you expect me to be contented with a _fucking apology_? Why don't you just let me die?..." I practically spat out the last comment with disgust.

"Kazuki…I know you're angry…"

"**_Angry_**? That's an _understatement_!" I scoffed cockily, "Soushi…I'm beyond angry. I'm furious! **_Enraged_**! But above all, sad and hurt…And do you know why?"

I knew that this wasn't a time for a game of Q & A. But I needed to know whether or not he could see through me, like he did before. I needed assurance that he still feels what I feel, I needed to know that the tie between us was still linking, unbroken by time.

But when all he did was stare at me with those pitiful eyes, I felt my world crumble.

Tears shed uncontrollably.

"I loved you, Soushi…" I whispered inaudibly as tears continued to streak, "…I loved you so much that… it tears me apart when you said that you were going to leave me. But I had to let you go…and I hated myself for that. I hated myself for being so weak. I hated myself for being so dependant towards you. That was why I tried to put up a brave front and told you that I will be waiting till the day you return. But I couldn't…I couldn't bear the minutes being apart from you. I couldn't stop those tears from falling every time I set foot in Alvis…I simply couldn't. Even if you hate me now, even if you feel disgusted by my sexual preference, my love for you wavers not." I was resolute when the last few words came through my lips. I wasn't going to back down now… now that I have nothing else to lose but myself.

I was prepared to join him in the otherworld. Not even Hades could stop me now.

But preparing for death did not prepare me for the kiss Soushi dropped on my lips. Though he did not have a solid body, though his kiss felt nothing more than feathery air dancing on my lips, - somehow the inkling was there. My heart was pounding so loudly against my ears that it was hard to ignore the fact that I was still a living being. But the amount of joy swelling in my chest was more likely to kill me first since all those input of bliss and ecstasy had no output.

But in the midst of my elation, Soushi's ethereal hands cupped my checks forcing me to look directly at him.

Locking our gaze together, Soushi's eyes softened as his words melodiously flowed into my ears, "Kazuki…I don't hate you and I most certainly am not disgusted by the fact that you love me. Surprised? I couldn't say I wasn't. But certainly not disgusted…" There was a momentary pause, - a pause so eerily silent that I was almost afraid to hear the rest.

But I knew I had to. It's not like I had a choice.

"…Please promise me that you will not try to kill yourself again… I love you too much to watch you throw away your life for me…"

At that moment in time, I don't know what was running through my head. I have no idea what emotions were running through my system when I began to crack into laughter as tears unceasing flowed down my burning cheeks. I must have looked like I've lost my mind because Soushi had apprehension written in his eyes like I have grown a second head.

"…Kazuki…" he whispered my name faintly, but another voice came thundering against his as the person came charging in to the ward.

"Kazuki!" Maya exclaimed, slightly gasping. I would guess that she was too happy to see me alive and kicking after my suicidal attempt that was actually close enough to claim my life.

But I paid no attention to her. I had my eyes only on the man I loved.

I felt a lump growing that could neither go up or down my throat. It was stuck in the middle as I watched Soushi hesitated. His eyebrows knitted, his eyes grew sad. He looked as though he was thorn between leaving and staying. And I could tell that the chances of him leaving were higher than having him stay with me.

Somehow, I felt weary. Over and over again, I had to resign to fate that in the end, no matter how desperate I am to be with him, he would leave me. I was tired of this game that was why I choose to end it with my life. But Soushi had to drag my miserable life back to the world of the living and make me repeat suffering the pain of losing my loved one.

Soushi… if you had loved me, why are you being so cruel to me? Or is tormenting me your favorite past time given that you're dead and there isn't a Siegfried System up there for you to toy with?

I would really hate you till the very depth of my soul if I hadn't love you with the same immensity.

Must I hate you this much to love you?

_Must loving you be this painful?_

I could only continue this debate internally as I watch you hover further from me, as the distance between us grew beyond my arm's reach. I couldn't tear my eyes away from you although I know that it was going to be painful to watch you go.

With ease you passed through the concrete institution walls.

With ease you floated in mid air.

With ease your pearly ghost body unified with the color of the setting sun.

I will not forget the enticing sight of you fading into the clouds that tinged heavily in crimson tangerine.

As I watched your opaque body grew more and more translucent by the second, I knew that it was before long your body turns transparent all together, - till you are nothing but a collection of air. I know that it was going to be painful to watch, but I did it anyway. Maybe it was my own desperate attempt to capture every last moment I have with him.

But Soushi…until the end, you still choose to leave me, ne?

* * *

**_Author's note:_**

Please read and review.

And before I end this, if any of you reading this happens to be a reader of my other fics (FAKE fics), I'm really sorry for not updating lately. I have to say that I've been in a slump lately if not working my ass to the ground on my assignments.

But I have a little request though. One of my assignments, my final year project is regarding a research on the preference of anime and manga. If you would be so kind to help me out with my assignment, please write to me. My e-mail can be found in my profiles. It's just a simple questionnaire, - even a ten-year-old anime-fan would know how to answer it. So, please? I need 100 respondents to complete this research.


End file.
